Slob
I'm always surprised to come home to a messy house.
The balls of cat fur are exactly where they were when I left (unless a breeze came through and pushed them into another corner). The bed is still unmade, dishes in the sink, trash in the can, laundry undone sitting in the hamper. The refrigerator is, shelf by shelf, a repository of 'stuff' shoved in there thoughtlessly, butter and mayo and a sliced tomato on top...maybe a carton of half and half crammed in the back. Next shelf down, the rotisserie chicken from Costco, half-eaten....I will never eat all of it, but it will live right there for a long time, 'cause you never know. Behind that is a container of cottage cheese, and miso paste, and something I made...some kind of sauce I concocted and poured into tupperware. I don't want to look at it so it has become part of the cold landscape. Bottom shelf a carton of eggs...there were 12, but now I wonder. I know I shoved some of the empty shells back into the little cardboard cups because the container was closer that the garbage can the last time I made an omelette. There is parmesan cheese...how old is that? Doesn't cheese age well? There is a container of coconut coffee creamer I bought a long time ago when I though it might help with the cholesterol my liver seems to be churning out no matter what I do. That stuff was horrible. It will stay there in the back. Then the bins on the bottom. My friend Joey, who does not cook and has a goal in life which is 'never touch flame to metal', calls the vegetable bin 'The Liquifier'. He can always take a sad habit and make it hilarious. I think I have some fresh sage in there I could still use for a butter sauce with pasta. How wilted does it look?
I had a revelation recently. I'm waiting for mom to come and clean up after me. When I was a kid she would beg me to 'Clean up your room Maudie. Please.' I wouldn't do it because that would mean she had won. Eventually she would sneak in when I was out and tidy up. It infuriated me because it meant she had rifled through my messy stuff, and how dare she touch any of it! Still, I got to live in a clean organized room, so I never ever learned to do any of it myself. It's funny that I can create detailed and impeccable paintings, every single line perfect, and I always look pretty good...once in a while I can iron. I paint my toenails and own 5 or 6 lipsticks, all of which I use. I am very careful with my grammar, in fact will correct anyone around me who is in error. I frequent the carwash (not that it matters much since one day on the street and the thing is filthy again). I'm careful about everything that others might see, but indoors, alone with a few cats, it's a different world. You might wonder how I come up with a concise recipe for my sauces...well, it's not easy. For instance this carrot relish...if I were to left to my own devices (Joey likes to say 'Maudy, left to your own devices you have no devices') this is how I would direct you:
Look in the back of the refrigerator. Oh...of course, a bag of carrots! Take one out and see if you can bend it, if not, you're good. How many are left in the bag? 5? Peel 5 carrots...or maybe don't bother. Cut them up though and pulse them in the processor, the one that you've had since 1981. Now, what kind of juice is there...apple? Perfect. Take some and put it in a pot, the only clean one left in the kitchen. Leave enough so you can take a swig tomorrow morning. Throw the carrots into the juice along with spices that seem like they'd work....yunno, cinnamon and stuff. This seems so boring. I know, vinegar and sugar. Sweet and sour. And spicy...yeah...add a pinch of something like chili pepper...just a tad. Oh, and raisins...everything's better with raisins. Where are those stupid raisins? I don't think raisins ever go bad. I mean, aren't they grapes that went bad already? So a handful of raisins. Cook on a low flame...don't burn the stuff while you take a bath and do your hair. Voila! Sweet Sour Spicy Carrot Relish! Now you know my secret method for cooking, and also for living. If you're like mom though, and need things in order you could do it this way:
Sweet Sour Spicy Carrot Relish
5 or 6 medium-sized carrots, peeled and coarsely diced
1 cup apple cider
1 tablespoon balsamic vinegar
juice of 1 lemon
2 tablespoons brown sugar
1 teaspoon cumin
1 cinnamon stick
1 tablespoon finely chopped red onion
1 tablespoon grated fresh ginger
¼ cup raisins
¼ teaspoon salt
Pulse the carrots in a food processor until the pieces are about pea-size, and add to a heavy pot along with all other ingredients.
Cook on low flame, stirring to keep from burning, for about 30 minutes, or until the liquid is reduced and the carrots are crisp-tender.
Remove from heat and let cool. Remove cinnamon stick. Add 1 teaspoon rice wine vinegar, ½ teaspoon adobo sauce from a can of chilies en adobo, and 1 tablespoon grapeseed oil.
This is a relish that would go well with any meat dish, particularly hearty cuts like lamb or beef. No need to wash up after dinner.