Filling the Void--A Tutorial

1. Late-night eating. Bread, pasta, even oatmeal, as long as it’s heavy in brown sugar, and topped with butter. These items won’t work in the daytime...you have to start after 7 PM for full effect.

2. Shopping. Never in person...that would be way too distracting with other human beings milling around. You have to be alone, and once again, late night works better since you’ll be feeling extra lonely when it gets dark. My choice is cheap black sweaters on Amazon. Quantity rather than quality is the key. When it arrives the next day you’ll have forgotten you ordered them, which adds to the effect of being filled up. You’ll think ‘Oh look! A gift! Someone loves me!’

3. Watching TV. Never do this in daylight, and definitely not with other people. One of the reasons I love winter so much is that you can start around 4:30 PM. as the sun fades. Choice of what to watch is arbitrary. Lately, I’m using flesh-eating zombie shows since they leave me thinking ‘At least I’m not them.’ It’s so comforting.

4. Online yoga classes...especially ‘chair yoga’. You can sit almost still, with no significant effort, and watch a beautiful and fit young woman tell you how you’re building strength and flexibility by just watching. Pretend to BE her! It’s very fulfilling.

5. Baking bread. This is a daytime activity since it takes an entire day to make a loaf. Flour, yeast, water, salt. Don’t measure...that’s way too hard. Throw the ingredients in a bowl, mix and knead. Kneading is akin to chair yoga since you just move your arms a tiny bit, but you’re standing so it might be better exercise. The beauty of it is that you just leave the lump in the bowl and all by itself it rises, as you do nothing much for a few hours. Punch it down once it’s risen, and guess what, it rises AGAIN! Bake for a while until the house smells good, like the house of a far more industrious person. You can eat the entire loaf later after it gets dark outside...this is part of the beauty of late-night eating covered in step 1.

6. Reading the newspaper. I like the New York Times because I can say ‘Oh! I read an article in the New York Times that said blablabla.’ Spend all morning reading it, especially the terrible stories of murder and mayhem, and particularly the horrible stuff that happens on the subway. Much like the Flesh-Eating Zombie shows you can be comforted knowing you’re not them, and in LA you would never take the subway so it’s perfect.

7. Having cats. They work tirelessly to fill the void. All you have to do is scoop some poop and open some cans, and voila, you have a great loving relationship, and you don’t even have to chat, though you can if you want. I do.

8. Texting. Every time you have a thought or feeling you can tell someone, without picking up the phone or going anywhere. One bit of advice...don’t send all your texts to one person. This might take some effort. It’s well worth it though. You can say ‘I have a wide circle of friends’ even though you never see anyone.

9. Bathing. Each morning fill a tub with hot water and get in it and sit there. This is not only relaxing, but you can pretend you’re out on your deck in Big Sur, or at an expensive gym in Beverly Hills. Being wealthy in a pretend way is way better than actual wealth where you might have to balance a checkbook or go to the bank.

10. Finally, meditation is a great way to get filled up. I do one that involves repeating a senseless sound over and over again. You might think this would make you feel like an idiot or an insane person, but chances are you feel like that anyway, so try this trick for about 20 minutes each day and I bet you’ll feel better...plus it won’t make you fat and you won’t go broke.