What Mom Never Told Me

Oh Maudie, It looks like I forgot to mention some things… I don’t know if you could ever take it in, but just for the record, here goes:

Don’t even start drinking. I know how it seemed to fix everything...I remember so well the magical personality shift that happened all those years ago when you thought “This is IT! This fixes every fucking thing that’s wrong, with me, with my family, with the world at large. I can be okay now. I’m not scared anymore! I will just drink, and that’ll be that.”

Well, let me tell you how this whole thing will play out. It will work well, or at least pretty well, until you’re about 30. By the way, you will go with a lot of guys who are awful throughout your 20’s and you will be very lucky that nothing horrible happens, because a lot of them will be unsavory characters. They will not care about you, and because you’re usually intoxicated you won’t mind. You will consider them all ‘conquests’. At 30 you will marry a man who you think is a prince, mostly because he drinks as much as you. I’m warning you...it won’t end well. You will wind up living with him in my attic in the Bronx, and you will have a shitty restaurant job because he himself will be unemployable. He is not a prince, but a pauper, and he will steal money out of your purse when you’re not looking, and he will crash your car, and ultimately his sisters will throw him into rehab. By the way, you will be heading in the same direction.

While we’re on the subject, let me tell you about all the boyfriends..forget about them! Don’t hook up with Charles, he will dump you and leave you shaken and broken. Forget about Steve...admit it...you never even liked him, and I didn’t either. Don’t go with these guys you don’t LIKE! Don’t believe what they say, but look at what they do...it’s a far better way to judge them and what they’re really like. You did really like Al, but the guy was a user. I could see it right away, but for you it took more time. 20 years after you extricate yourself from that relationship you will say ‘He was the most opportunistic person I’ve ever known’, and by then you will have known some experts! Learn to spend time by yourself and enjoy it. I know you’re hell-bent on having someone in your life, especially if he’s cute, but listen, cute doesn’t cut it. And for God’s sake, don’t sleep with these guys! Give it a good long time to get to know them. Go to the movies. Have a few dinners out. Just hold off! Sex will get you into trouble every time because you’ll think it’s meaningful and intimate….it might feel that way, but it’s not the real thing. You’ll get hoodwinked into a ‘relationship’ and in a year you’ll realize the guy is not for you, and it will be messy and awful, and better just don’t waste your time!

Go to graduate school and get your Master’s. Then get a teaching job at a nice art school in some bucolic little town, while getting your paintings out there. Make a lot of trips to NY and get yourself a good gallery. Your steady job will mean you can pay your bills without hustling all the time. All the while you must forget about romance...it’s a trap. Believe me.

Go to the dentist every year, and get a cleaning and an x-ray. You will thank me when you’re old.

For heaven’s sake, stay out of the sun. I know you look great with a tan, but honey, you will wind up paying a giant price later to many a dermatologist.

While we’re at it, I want to tell you something about appearances. They DO NOT MATTER! Don’t use your looks to get stuff. It will backfire every time! Don’t bank on your face (or your ass). It will get you into trouble. Anyone who wants to be with you because you’re pretty is someone you don’t want in your life. Aside from that, people will take you less seriously if you’re all prettied-up. Forget about the make-up. Be more like Betty Friedan. You have nothing to prove. You are great exactly the way you are. Look inside yourself for the answers, not outside yourself. Don’t let your father hurt your feelings. He can’t even help himself. Don’t let me guilt-trip you. You have nothing to be guilty about.

Go outdoors more (with a hat).

Swim.

Dance.

Read.

Write short stories, and don’t show them to your father. He will be jealous.

Forgive your sister for being bossy. She will never change.

Learn Yoga.

Eat 3 meals a day and lay off the sugar, it will fuck you up.

See a lot of places before you settle down. Don’t wind up living in New York. You will hate it.

You don’t have anything to prove, believe me.

Be kind to yourself.

Take long walks.

Keep your hat on, wear comfortable shoes, and drive carefully, always.

Now you know.