The Blues
How can one day be so different internally from another when the circumstances are exactly the same?
For me much of it has to do with sleep. Bad sleep=bad day. Good sleep=good day. I can never be sure what the night will hold, but usually it's like this...fall asleep 11pm, wake up at 2am, think it must be morning only darker than usual, looking at watch and seeing the arrows on the numbers up there at the top, feel dread rippling through my soul. This is the middle of the night when the bad people come out.
They sleep all day to store up energy just for these times when I'm at my most vulnerable and depleted, so they can really get their licks in. They surround my bed and remind me of every lousy thing that's ever happened in my life. Remember the nun who hit you in fifth grade? You really had that coming. You were such a liar as a child, and you STILL LIE! Didn't you just tell Kate that your haircut cost 150 bucks? It was only 60! You better call her and apologise or something terrible will happen. And even if you do set that straight other terrible things will probably happen. Maybe someone is breaking into your car right now! Did you lock it? I bet you forgot. You're forgetting a lot of things lately. It's not normal. We're really worried about your memory. Maybe something is happening in your brain. I think it might be. Didn't you have a headache yesterday?
I attempt to quiet them down by taking out a book to read, but I don't want anything too interesting or stimulating or I'll never get back to sleep....so the boring book doesn't exactly drown out the voices of the bad people. I get up and make toast, but they're right there to remind me about the dangers of too many carbohydrates in my diet. Those jeans are getting tighter and tighter and everyone's talking about it. You used to be so thin it's too bad you let yourself go. You saw what happened to Kathleen Turner? That will be you.
So after reliving my past and rehearsing my future for a few hours I usually can send the bad people away by promising to meet up with them again soon. After a night like this where the cumulative REM sleep is maybe only 4 hours, I drag my (still bony) ass out of bed, and do the morning things that bring me into daylight. Gather enough small dishes on the counter to plop out 4 little cans of catfood for 4 little cats. I recently figured out that catfood actually costs $6 lb, about as much as lean ground grass-fed beef. Each little can at 3 oz, and about a buck apiece. I tried giving them lean ground beef but they weren't interested. They like the little shapes in the gluey sauce. Next scoop the poop, which somehow doesn't bother me. Go figure. Then make coffee. It has to be really good coffee, to which I add a tiny bit of heavy cream. I heard cholesterol is caused by sugar anyway. Then to the desk and open the journal to write out some stuff. This is the point where reality and morbid imagination duel. What am I actually afraid of? Did I inherit these fears from a mother who couldn't be in a room without a window that opened? Did I learn to be dissatisfied from a father who would go into Zabars and pick a fight with a guy at the deli counter who was taking too many samples of pastrami?
Within about a page I can uncover the authentic Maud, if just for an hour or two. I get down to the fact that I am... really... fine. Still nervous and worried and regretful and pissed-off, but hopeful at the same time. This is what saves me every day...the hope. Then I make oatmeat and add blueberries right at the end. I stir them in so they get hot, and put a few teaspoons of heavy cream on top to say fuck you to cholesterol and all the rest of it.
Other than eating fresh blueberries out of the box with your hands, which is the best way, you should try this. It's impressive with its stunning blue color, and your friends will flip if you bring them some in a jar with a lid and a bow. It tastes like hope.
Blueberry Lemon Curd
1 cup fresh blueberries
½ cup white sugar
juice of 3 lemons
pinch salt
6 tablespoons unsalted butter
3 egg yolks
Place blueberries, lemon juice and sugar in a heavy saucepan over low flame. Simmer and stir until sugar is melted, and blueberries begin to break down, about 10-15 minutes. Add butter one tablespoon at a time and stir until melted. Set aside to cool for about 15 minutes. Whisk in egg yolks one at a time and return to very low flame. Keep whisking. Do not walk away from stove or the yolks will scramble. It will take about 10 or 12 minutes for the sauce to thicken. Once it starts thickening it happens very fast. Take sauce off the stove but continue to whisk for a few more minutes and transfer to cool bowl and refrigerate. Keep this covered with plastic wrap touching the top so it doesn't form a skin, not that that would be the end of the world.